Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
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Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.