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Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one