A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
You Might Also Like
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
🙀🙀🙀😹
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless