After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
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I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
translated into Canadian
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow