Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
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When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works