Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
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Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.