*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
You Might Also Like
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
that wasn’t the question
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.