Take my advice, I’m not using it.
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I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard