The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
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Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho