had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.