NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
You Might Also Like
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”