[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
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When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.