So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
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As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
There is wisdom there.
Just me?
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning