Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
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When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person