[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
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ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Born to be mild.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.