Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
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Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Which wines pair best with gloating?
That’s classic.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
The three genders
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
motivation
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!