I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
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I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Saw your ex at the shops
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.