Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?