If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
You Might Also Like
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
okay run it by me one more time
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.