8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
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I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
no one likes gloating
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.