Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
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[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
me logging onto twitter
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.