I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
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The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices