“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
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FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”