Something Saturday.
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…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.