Current forecast: 3-6 inches of π₯π₯π₯π₯
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GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopterβ¦like they are going to fly over my house and say, βWE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.β
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I donβt want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Iβm in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she canβt lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. Sheβs always been thoughtful.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
If Die Hard isnβt a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and Iβm so proud.
Sheβs in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Every damn time
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, βI slept horribly, I just canβt sleep without you next to me. How about you?β
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, βSame.β
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Me: Iβm gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, Iβm gonna show you some of my tweets
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….