me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
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me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.