[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
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My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
i- i did not expect this
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.