I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
You Might Also Like
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.