{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
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Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
The news
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.