She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
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The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.