Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
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Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!