I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
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HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
*3.5 thank you very much.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Hot Hot Hot
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.