I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
🙂🐾
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
It was worth a shot 😂
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Who knew!
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.