I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
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I’m already scared
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read