I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
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[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.