Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
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“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
me working on my assignments ^-^
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I laughed at this way too hard.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry