What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
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[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Somebody’s lying.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
TRAIN’S HERE
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.