*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
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If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Storm Tropical Storm
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
🥶🥶🐶🐶
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain