My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
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“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and