Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
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English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.