pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
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Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
😅🤣😂
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Good point.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
This is sending me to another galaxy
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Real House Wines.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call