[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
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Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty