*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
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I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.