“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
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Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
m’lady
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”