Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
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I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
North and South
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.