does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
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Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking