Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
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Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
this has to be peak English
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.