I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
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How do dragons blow out candles?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
#FunnyLife Insects
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE