I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
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As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.