I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
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Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Same post same
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..